Assalam Aleykum Warahmatullahy Wabarakatuh
I’ve been trying to write this post since the beginning of January. My first post of 2017. I was meaning for it to be all light and preppy and happy, and a recollection of what 2016 was like for me, but as of now that’s not really how I feel. So…I’m not really sure how things will turn out here.
As I begin writing this post, its 1.42 am, the 25th of January. It’s my birthday today, and I feel nothing close to festive. I feel stuck, considering its only January and I already feel like I’m having the worst time ever.I should be a pro at this by now right?Wrong! And not to be melodramatic and make cliché comments about how long January is or how broke I am like most people tend to do during the month of January, but generally and honestly, I just, feel, bleh.
I stepped into 2017 with utmost positivity and enthusiasm, and I ushered this new year with a youthful hope and wide open heart. Granted I spent the new year in my warm cozy room watching episodes of Reign, but I genuinely wanted to stay in because 2016 had me all up and down and I was exhausted, I needed some down time.
However, things just don’t seem to be working out lately. Which is why I feel stuck. I’m confused because it only makes sense that if you put in 100% effort into something, you should atleast get back a 50% you know? Just enough to keep you motivated and excited for the work ahead. But what happens when you don’t even get a 20% in return? Or even 10%?
Now I’m completely aware that life is not suppose to be easy, and I’m aware that there are plenty of people out there who have it worse than I do.But …here I am I guess.
Let's talk 2016
2016 was a year full of stress,(positive stress, the kind that makes you want to keep the hustle going); from trying to get my passport, to filming two individual short film projects, writing my final year project, graduating and travelling out of the country for a whole six weeks, by myself. And yet it was my best year yet. 2016 was not only a year of metamorphosis, but one of acceptance and strength because I got to challenge myself in ways that I could never imagine, and even more so, emerge victorious. I loved it. I not only got an A on my final year project (yes I have to brag about that), but I also got to travel outside of the country twice, graduate and start my youtube channel. It was a year of many firsts and that path led to meeting some of the most amazing people yet. We could say I finally allowed myself to breathe and really enjoy where I was. I accepted and became content with who I was, instead of constantly worrying about who I needed to be and learnt to be present, to be happy.
That was until time caught up with me and reminded me that I needed to get back to 'adulting'. I still had that spirit and momentum in me and I was excited to carry on with it. However, once the first thing went wrong in the beginning of January, it’s been like a domino effect, just one thing after the other. I tried filming a video the about two weeks ago, I worked so hard on it and the end result was in simple terms, less than what I expected. And I’m not one to waste my efforts but I decided I would not post it because I basically wasn’t happy with it. And that is just absolutely frustrating, disappointing and upsetting. But such is life.
Journaling is stupid
Today was the first time I journaled since being in Rwanda. I’ve been quite hesitant in writing anything down lately because a part of me feels like I’m too old to be journaling, especially since the entry begins with ‘dear diary’. I actually really like that entry, I feel like I’m saying hi to a close friend before I start spilling the juice on all the things that have been going wrong in my life, or going right for that matter. I feel like 23 means being you’re now really ready for adulthood, considering how marriage, independence, and ‘think about your future’ issues are starting to ‘randomly’ pop up in conversations with relatives. I could be overthinking things but that’s just what I’m overthinking about right now.
I thought journaling would help jolt some creativity and help me write this blog post and I guess it worked. I mean I did manage to write this…whatever this is, which is definitely better than nothing in my opinion.I guess what I wanted to say is that if you're feeling like absolute shite, worry not because you're not alone.We can feel like shit together. Ugh I feel sick just saying that. Or that could also be my 3am cravings? Nevermind.
Ps. It’s only been 3 hours of being 23 and I’m already freaking out. I hate 2017 😒.